3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
