got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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