the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
