I looked at my own cervix.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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