So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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