I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
