Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
