I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
