Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
