I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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