Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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