I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He better not be in your backpack
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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