Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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