I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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