I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
