call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
