he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
