I just threw up on my dentist
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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