I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
