Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
