Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
