she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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