I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
