Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
