I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize