onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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