You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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