I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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