You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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