she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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