I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I AM VODKA MAN
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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