Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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