who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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