Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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