Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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