Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
