I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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