Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
