Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
