I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
