This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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