I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
