I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door