I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
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There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
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We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?