Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
