I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.