in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
