I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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