4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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