sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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