I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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