I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
