Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
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