i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
