They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
