Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
