I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
