You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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